He Wants to Marry me, but I do NOT Like this Feeling...

He wants to marry me. He wanted to marry me pretty much from the first date. We've been together 3 months and he's devastated that I'm not on the same page with him and I feel extremely pressured. Now what? I do NOT like this feeling.

Response from Daniel....

The 'red flag' is "wanting to marry you from the first date." This kind of communication doesn't bode well for the duration and quality of the developing relationship, as well it doesn't bode well for you if you took him seriously. "Future tripping" might feel exciting, has a romantic aura, however when you skip forward the relationship may not, and often does not ever catch up with it. A far more reliable criteria to base the decision to continue seeing someone or not, or assessing whether or not a relationship has legs and whether it will be an intimate, emotionally nourishing one is the quality of rapport that was established from the beginning and continued since its inception. Rapport has to do with being fully present in the moment with, a free flow conversation without trying to make an impression or be romantic per se or "future tripping", listening and responding to each other without anticipating what is going to happen next; characterized by interest, honesty and understanding.

He not being on the same page with you after (only) 3 months attests to your health and reality based thinking. Recommended is going to couples therapy together so that he could see the need to slow down so that the relationship can develop organically and needs to learn how to do that. This may make him realize that he needs to do some intensive self-work so he no longer sabotages relationships by blowing through them so quickly.

What should I do if I think a friend or relative has a drug problem?

What should I do if I think a friend or relative has a drug problem?

Response from Daniel....

Think about your relationships, what they mean to you, what you want them to be. Thinks about the comfort zone of communication that generally exists between you and those you care about. Oftentimes a drug problem, or any other addiction of mental health issue, is the "pink elephant" in the room. There is avoidance and shame associated with it. The challenge is to bring the relationship to a deeper level of understanding, truth and intimacy by operating outside of the comfort zone and broach the unspeakables. Being concerned, you may ask questions or, more directly, express your concerns that the behaviors you're observing are problematic, and are of concern and that seeking help may be necessary. Being able to have conversation is the key, as the next action steps to be taken will likely become evident to you.

How long will it take to overcome a porn addiciton?

How long will it take to overcome a porn addiction?

Response from Daniel...

The steps to overcoming porn addiction are as follows:

1 One must first recognize there is a problem. As is the case with any addiction, there is a loss of control, that is an inability of stop despite resultant problems. The addiction or dependency is a relationship with a means of relief, i.e. porn that is overpowering and all consuming, that one's life revolves around this relationship at the expense of all other relationships. Isolation sets in as relationships with real people become increasingly more difficult, in not, impossible. The porn addict becomes accustomed to relating to only sexually and emotionally charged images when masturbating. This relationship is carried secretly. Denial and delusion make it impossible to accurately assess whether a problem exist as well as the severity of the problem. Usually getting busted causes some kind of crisis, in personal or professional relationships or legal consequences are precipitating events that lead to a realization that there is a problem and a need to seek professional help.

2 The next step is achieving sustained stabilization, that is, abstinence, cutting off that relationship, stopping the "secret love affair." In order to achieve a period of sustained stabilization, the recovering porn addict must be rigorously participating in a program that provides support and therapy, which includes daily or several times/wkly meetings or sessions. Transitioning to a life that doesn't include porn will be challenging as there will be constant cravings and triggers must learn how to deal with.

3 After a period of sustained stabilization is achieved, a period of intensive self-work is necessary. Most addictions are driven by pain related to longstanding unconscious, unmet emotional needs, and the need to relieve this pain. During this period of self-work, one learns to rely on oneself as a resource, become more self-aware, develop healthy self-care practices, make healthier decisions; in short, build the relationship with oneself.

4 After having established a relationship with oneself, the next step is to go through a period of relationship training -- developing the understanding and skills that make creating healthy, intimate, emotionally nourishing relationships possible.