I Think I am a Love Addict. Obsessing about my Relationship.

I have been married for 3 years.

I believe I am a Love addict. I have become pathologically obsessed with my wife's sexual history (which is substantially higher in numbers than mine.)

We met while still in other relationships almost 8 years ago. Even though she cheated on her common law husband, She destroyed trust in us by maintaining a secret relationship with him after they had "broken up."

This went on for a long time before I discovered it.

Later to get revenge, I had an affair for 4 months with somebody which my now wife discovered about 6 months after it had ended.

So our foundation is not great and currently we are struggling.

My question is this - I can't sleep, I am obsessing about our relationship 24 hours a day and driving my wife nuts.

In the early years of our relationship the sex was unbelievable for me (and her too) we had a child 2 years ago.

Over the past 4 years sex has been in decline and now is once a month at best.

She thinks that's ok - I don't and lose my mind when we don't have it more frequently.

I think I am a love addict and she is a love avoidant.

What can I do to try to end my turmoil ?

Response from Daniel...

"Obsessing about the relationship" can become a masturbatory and isolating endeavor that keeps you in your own world and perpetuates the status-quo. However, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are in the throes of a love addiction. It sounds like the two of you have stopped, or never started, communicating about the unresolved issues, i.e. trust, unmet emotional needs, plaguing the relationship. There is a lack of sexual, as well emotional intimacy. If the two of you are so motivated, couples therapy would give you an opportunity to explore and discuss the issues and begin working through them, perhaps make a new start. More important than what has happened in the past is where the two you want to go from here. If the desire and commitment to work on the relationship, it will be possible to re-build trust and achieve deeper levels of intimacy than the relationship has seen up to this point.

Are You Having an Affair? Do you Want to Have an Affair?

Confused and depressed. I live with my boyfriend of 7 years now. We have no sexual relations. If any, he gets his and leaves me hanging. Not affectionate. Hardly ever hugs or kisses me. It’s just his ways. I am a very affectionate person. 3 yrs ago I turned to another man whom is living with a woman. I didn't know they had been together for 20 years until I was so wrapped up in his I couldn't turn loose. He treats me better than anyone has ever treated me. He says he loves me but he’s older and I'm 10 years younger than he. He cannot leave her. I'm not a home wrecker. I have never been involved with anyone who had someone else. I love him and he says he loves me. He calls me everyday sometimes more than once. He was the only one to get me anything for Christmas. He bought me a diamond ring. I was very surprised. I think he cares very deeply for me as I do him. But lately he's been off work because of sickness. He still tries to see me once a week but only maybe an hour. It’s tearing me apart. I'm addicted to him. He keeps me going. He helps me deal with everyday problems that stress me out. He's my best friend. I have tried to break it off 2 or 3 times and make it work at home. But my boyfriend just pushes me away; affection and sex and end right back up with my lover. I wish I could be with him. I know this is not right. It eats me alive. I can never be with him the way I want to. But it’s so lonely with him when I don't get to see him. I'm ill and cranky I can hardly stand it. I think I miss him more than he misses me. His relationship at home is not like mine. They get along. But about once a month they take off for the week-end to her sisters or to gamble. That's when it’s really hard when I cannot be with him. I believe he cares for me. I know he does. But it’s a hopeless situation. This has really been rough on me during the holidays. He's with her and I'm at home with a man who doesn't want me. I don't know what to do. My life is a mess...

I have a good job right now. I should be happy. but I'm not. Don’t just tell to move on. I've tried. I've never lived by myself. I've been married 2 times and now live with a guy. My kids are 19 and 23. How to do learn to live for self now and not everyone else? That’s all I know is to do for everyone else. I want to learn to make myself happy without depending on a man to do this for me. There are no girlfriends I hang out with. I go to work and come home acting like a old married lady. When I see him I go shopping or take off work when no one knows. I know it’s a dangerous life. I just want someone to love me and respect me. That’s another reason I can't let my lover to go. He loves me unconditionally. He always tells me I'm a wonderful, pretty; smart, have a good job and any man would be lucky to have me. I am a very giving person. Sometimes I think too giving. I need to find peace and happiness. Sorry this is so long. It’s that I just want you to understand. I know you can’t possibly understand because you don't know really all about my life. I thought about going for some counseling. My job has a program to support 3 sessions. But I figured only 3 wouldn't help me. My issues started a long time ago. Please help.

Response from Daniel….

Are you saying that you've never been in therapy?! Certainly the recommendation here is that you begin a course of intensive self-work. Carrying on a secret love affair can often become an addiction that invariably leads to destructive consequences. Both of the relationships you're trying to maintain right now are at risk of ending badly. After a period of intensive self-work, the next step would be to pursue couples therapy so that your relationship is given a chance to "air out." Once the two of you begin to address the issues keeping the relationship stagnant, there is always the possibility you can re-build the relationship.

A little bit about having affairs...

It's when you're emotionally frustrated in your relationship, i.e. hungry, resentful, estranged, the fantasy of having an affair is the most tantalizing, and you're at the greatest risk of acting on any opportunity that presents itself.

See article at RelationshipVision.com website:

Acting Responsibly in the Face of Desire:

http://www.relationshipvision.com/read.php?ID=2

Some excerpts:

"Imagine for a moment what it would be like to have an affair. It's the ultimate fantasy – a sexual interlude in which you're not encumbered by inhibition. One in which there's no emotional baggage whatsoever for either person: no conflicts, differences or negative feelings. She expects nothing from me and I expect nothing from her. There's nothing about her I dislike and she wants me unconditionally. She knows exactly what to say and do, without my telling her. She just knows. She is the safest woman on the planet for I can open up about anything and she'll comfort me with understanding. There's no one like her. It's the same thing every time: we can't wait to "make love," the "love-making" is more wild and passionate than any I've ever experienced; then we part with no guilt or obligation, only with appreciation and anticipation of our next encounter, whenever it will be. There's no such thing as stress when we're together, it doesn't exist. No stress."

"Could having an affair be this good? Perhaps. If it were this good the first time, would it continue to be so in subsequent encounters? It's doubtful, because the reality cannot match our fantasies. Reality and fantasy are two different realms of experience. Yet they are connected."

"Anything desired or imaginable can be acted upon. However, the moment a fantasy is acted on; it becomes a real experience and is no longer a fantasy. The nature of the relationship changes from platonic to sexual, from friendly acquaintance to secret love, with no way to undo that shift."

Furthermore, whether it's a "one-time" occurrence, sporadic or regular, you would either have to lie in order to maintain the affair, or else confess it to your boyfriend. Concealment creates a wedge between the two of you that would probably increase as long as the affair in maintained. Undoubtedly, confession would precipitate a monumental upset in our marriage.